If you are a copy editor, you probably recognize the problem in the following sentences, and they probably give you a chuckle just before you realize how challenging it might be to fix the problem.
As the 27-year-old owner of four Raleigh restaurants, it’s hard to tell which part of G Patel’s resume is more impressive.
Standing at the burned house, where Daniel Moses’ mattress springs can be seen through the charred window, cotton stretches to two horizons.
Now in its seventh year, various artists will perform from 7 to 11 p.m. Sept. 30 in downtown restaurants.
Co-written by Grammy winner/singer/songwriter Bruno Mars, the success of that tune led to a
record deal, a debut album, eventually to platinum-plus sales and the top of Billboard’s Hot 100 chart.
Each begins with a misplaced modifier. The phrase at the beginning should refer to the subject of the sentence, but the writers lost their way and wrote phrases that refer to something else. In context, each sentence was understandable, even though the structure was grammatically faulty. Sometimes copy editors need special antennae to spot and correct these problems. I didn’t have those antennae in my younger days. It took years of seeing other people’s edits and of having slots point out my lapses before I could spot this problem consistently on my own.
Back to the sentences at the beginning. Here are possible quick fixes:
As the 27-year-old owner of four Raleigh restaurants, it’s hard to tell which part of G Patel’s resume is more impressive. [I need to add the next sentence from the story to make this work.]
It’s hard to tell which part of G Patel’s resume is more impressive. That the 27-year-old owner of four Raleigh restaurants managed to amass a stable of profitable businesses at such a young age, or that he’s done most of it during one of the worst economic downturns in recent memory.
Standing at the burned house, where Daniel Moses’ mattress springs can be seen through the charred window, cotton stretches to two horizons.
Standing at the burned house, where Daniel Moses’ mattress springs can be seen through the charred window, you can see cotton stretching to two horizons.
Now in its seventh year, various artists will perform from 7 to 11 p.m. Sept. 30 in downtown restaurants.
Now in its seventh year, the festival will feature various artists performing from 7 to 11 p.m. Sept. 30 in downtown restaurants.
Co-written by Grammy winner/singer/songwriter Bruno Mars, the success of that tune led to a
record deal, a debut album, eventually to platinum-plus sales and the top of Billboard’s Hot 100 chart.The success of that tune, co-written by Grammy winner/singer/songwriter Bruno Mars, led to a
record deal, a debut album, eventually to platinum-plus sales and the top of Billboard’s Hot 100 chart.
Here is a sentence that I puzzled over for awhile before deciding that the modifier was misplaced.
Despite a too slow pace for my own tastes, Hauer helps move the film along by being captivating even in just a few scenes.
I think the writer meant that the film’s pace was too slow, but perhaps he was attributing the pace to the director. If I had time and the writer were available, I would have asked him just what he meant. Instead, I edited the sentence to this: Even though the film’s pace is too slow for my tastes, Hauer helps move the film along by being captivating in just a few scenes. I think the writer’s point is preserved.
You might suggest other ways to edit these sentences. Please comment or add your own examples.
I have a bit of a problem with even this version: “Standing at the burned house, where Daniel Moses’ mattress springs can be seen through the charred window, you can see cotton stretching to two horizons.”
I’m loath to tell a reader what they can do. I don’t think “two horizons” makes sense when taken literally. And the reader isn’t standing at the burned house, so why not just tell them what the writer sees?
I prefer shorter sentences focused on real detail: “Daniel Moses’ mattress springs are visible through the charred window. Cotton stretches across the horizon.”
Also, I would contend that this sentence lacks parallel structure in two places: “The success of that tune, co-written by Grammy winner/singer/songwriter Bruno Mars, led to a record deal, a debut album, eventually to platinum-plus sales and the top of Billboard’s Hot 100 chart.”
In the current structure, “The success of that tune” is the subject of the list. Also, “led to” should be carried through to each item on the list.
Finally, I don’t think “Grammy winner/singer/songwriter” is a proper structure because it equates all three terms.
My rewrite, if I had to keep all of the ideas in one sentence, would look like this: “The success of that tune, which topped Billboard’s Hot 100 chart and was co-written by Grammy-winning singer/songwriter Bruno Mars, led to a record deal and platinum-plus sales of a debut album.”
Do you think I am over-editing? Dangling participles are among my biggest pet peeves.
I’d like to see you draw on examples from sources other newspapers, in recognition of ACES’ commitment to shed its newspaper-centric identity.
Jim: You could certainly help Pam and ACES do that, given you’re not in papers anymore.
Jim, I would love to see examples from sources other than newspapers. I also will try hard to find examples online and in other published sources.